Irreviewable, more like. Shot in reverse-chronological order, this film deals with a brutal rape and murder and the events that lead up to it, or so the blurb on the jacket will have you believe. In reality, this is an irreparable waste of time.

Let us take a moment to count all the absolutely pointless cinematic techniques used - the ‘drunken monkey’ camera work, the one shot per scene wank, the story told in reverse - and the terrible effect that they have when combined in such a pointless way. The dialogue is rambling, pointless, telling us nothing about the people involved except for their total imbecility. Why this strange camera work? So the director could conveniently point it at a dark corner where he can insert the cut for the next (previous) scene. Why one shot per take? Pure wank. Why in reverse? To prevent the audience from walking out once Monica Belucci’s nude scenes were over.

This is a gratuitously violent film with all the intellectual content of a porn movie. Some might call it visceral and gut-wrenching, which is true. I did feel a distinct wrenching in my gut as my viscera tried to tie itself into a knot and die. If this film shocks you, you’re probably not watching enough TV.

The opening credits say “Musique: Beethoven”. What arrogance. Written, edited and directed by: Noe. Such hubris. This is the Hazaaron Khwaishein of France.

What is it about the French these days? I thought they made good movies. If I had a rupee for every shitty, pretentious and mind numbingly dull French film I’ve seen in the past few months, I’d have quite a few rupees. Garde a Vue? Rubbish. A Very Long Engagement? Absolute bollocks. Manu Chau Giro Mundial 2002? Gag, puke…and so on.